Do I Have Attachment Issues? Signs Your Early Relationships Are Still Affecting You
There's this thing that happens in therapy sometimes. Someone describes their entire relationship history, pauses, and then asks: "Is there just something wrong with me?"
Nothing is wrong with you. But there's often a pattern.
The person who falls hard and fast, then panics when things get serious. The person who only seems attracted to people who are barely interested. The person in a great relationship who still can't shake the feeling their partner will leave. The person who's been single for years because dating feels exhausting or pointless.
Different stories, same question underneath: "Why do I keep doing this?"
The answer might have less to do with conscious choice and more to do with something called attachment. Not attachment like "I'm too attached to my phone." Attachment as in how you learned to bond with other people, formed before you could talk or remember, still quietly influencing every relationship you have.
Most people haven't heard of attachment theory. But once you learn about it, a lot of confusing patterns can suddenly make sense.
Your relationship patterns probably aren't random
Think about the last few people you've dated or been close to. Notice anything similar about how those relationships unfolded?
Maybe you're always the one doing more emotional work. Or maybe you're always the one pulling away. Maybe you felt intense chemistry with someone unavailable and lukewarm about someone actually interested in you. Maybe your relationships are great until they're not, like a switch flips and suddenly you need out.
These patterns feel personal, like they're about your specific neuroses or bad luck. But they're often attachment patterns, strategies your nervous system learned early in life to keep you safe in relationships. The problem is those strategies might not match what you actually need now.
The very short version of attachment theory (and why it matters)
In the 1950s and 60s, researchers John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth studied how infants bonded with caregivers. They noticed babies developed different strategies based on how available and responsive their caregivers were.
Some babies learned their caregiver would show up when needed. These babies could explore freely, get upset when separated, and calm down quickly when reunited. They developed what's called secure attachment.
Other babies had caregivers who were inconsistent. Sometimes responsive, sometimes not. These babies became hypervigilant, clingy, hard to soothe. They developed anxious attachment.
Some babies had caregivers who were consistently unavailable or rejecting. These babies learned to suppress their distress and not seek comfort. They developed avoidant attachment.
And some babies had caregivers who were frightening or chaotic. These babies wanted comfort but were also scared of the person who was supposed to provide it. They developed disorganized attachment.
Here's what matters: these patterns don't stay in infancy. They become templates for how you experience all close relationships throughout your life. The attachment style you developed as a baby is probably still influencing who you're attracted to, how you handle conflict, whether you can trust people, and what closeness feels like in your body.
Secure attachment (or: what it looks like when this system works)
About half of adults have secure attachment. This doesn't mean their relationships are perfect or easy. It means they have a basic sense that people are generally trustworthy, that they're worthy of love, and that relationships can handle normal human messiness.
Securely attached people can be close without losing themselves. They can be independent without cutting people off. They feel comfortable asking for what they need. When there's conflict, it doesn't feel like the end of the world. When their partner needs space, they don't spiral into "they're going to leave me." When their partner wants closeness, they don't feel suffocated.
This sounds boring compared to the intensity of insecure attachment, but it's actually what most people want: relationships that feel steady and safe without being flat or distant.
If you had caregivers who were generally available, responsive, and attuned (not perfect, just good enough), you probably developed secure attachment. Lucky you. The rest of us had to develop other strategies.
Anxious attachment (or: when love feels like standing on a trapdoor)
If you have anxious attachment, relationships never quite feel secure. There's always this low-level hum of worry: Are they pulling away? Are we okay? Do they still want this?
A delayed text response isn't just annoying. It's activating. Your mind goes to worst-case scenarios immediately. They're losing interest. They met someone else. I said something wrong. You might know rationally this is probably nothing, but your nervous system doesn't care about rational. You're anxious until you hear from them.
You might come across as needy or intense, though what you're feeling is terror of abandonment. You want closeness, but even when you get it, you can't fully relax into it. You're always monitoring for signs of withdrawal.
In conflict, you escalate. Not because you enjoy fighting, but because disconnection feels unbearable. You need reassurance, resolution, confirmation that the relationship is okay. When your partner withdraws or shuts down, your anxiety spikes higher.
The cruel irony: your anxiety about abandonment often creates behavior that pushes people away. The very thing you're afraid of happens because you're afraid of it.
This pattern typically develops when you had caregivers who were inconsistent. Sometimes warm and available, other times cold or absent. You never knew what you'd get, so you learned to work hard for connection, to be hypervigilant, to intensify your needs because sometimes that worked.
Avoidant attachment (or: when closeness feels like drowning)
If you have avoidant attachment, too much intimacy feels uncomfortable or threatening. Not in a conscious "I don't like this person" way, but in a visceral "I need space" way that kicks in automatically when things get too close.
You value independence. A lot. Maybe to the point where you prioritize autonomy over connection even when part of you wants the connection. You might be described as emotionally unavailable, distant, hard to read, walled off.
Vulnerability is deeply uncomfortable, both expressing it and receiving it. When someone wants to "talk about the relationship" or expresses emotional needs, you feel trapped or annoyed. You might withdraw, go logical, minimize their concerns, change the subject.
There's often a narrative of self-reliance: "I don't need anyone." "I'm fine on my own." And you are fine alone. That's not the problem. The problem is you might want connection but it feels dangerous to actually depend on someone.
You might find yourself attracted to people initially, then losing interest when they show real interest back. Or staying in relationships but keeping them surface-level. Or ending things when they start getting serious because it feels suffocating.
This usually develops when caregivers were consistently unavailable, dismissive of emotions, or uncomfortable with needs. Maybe they were physically present but emotionally absent. Maybe expressing needs led to rejection or shame. You learned that depending on others doesn't work, that you're safer staying self-sufficient.
Disorganized attachment (or: the simultaneous want and fear of closeness)
Disorganized attachment is sometimes called fearful-avoidant because it's a confusing mix of both anxious and avoidant patterns. You desperately want connection and you're terrified of it.
You might pursue someone intensely, then push them away when they reciprocate. Or be drawn to relationships that are unstable or even unsafe. Or experience your relationships as chaotic and intense, swinging between clinging and withdrawing.
There's often significant internal contradiction. Part of you longs for closeness, another part believes closeness is dangerous. You can't fully commit to either moving toward people or away from them, so you end up doing both in ways that confuse everyone, including yourself.
Trust feels nearly impossible. You might have brief windows where you trust someone, then something small happens and trust collapses completely.
This pattern typically develops when caregivers were frightening, abusive, or severely unpredictable. The person who was supposed to be your source of safety was also a source of fear. This creates an impossible bind: you need them but they're dangerous. So you develop contradictory strategies that don't resolve the core dilemma.
How to tell if your attachment style is actually causing problems
Some people read about attachment styles and think "Oh that's interesting" and move on because their attachment patterns aren't really interfering with their life. Other people read about it and feel like someone just explained their entire relational existence.
Your attachment patterns might be worth addressing if:
You keep ending up in similar relationships despite wanting something different. The details change but the dynamic stays the same.
Your anxiety in relationships is consuming. You spend hours analyzing texts, conversations, interactions. You can't relax even when things are going well.
You consistently choose people who are unavailable, then feel hurt when they can't give you what you need.
You want a relationship but every time someone gets close, you sabotage it or lose interest.
You feel lonely even when you're in a relationship because you can't let anyone really know you.
You swing between extremes. Wanting someone desperately, then feeling suffocated. Being all in, then completely checked out.
Your relationships follow a predictable pattern that ends badly, and you can't figure out how to do it differently.
Past partners have described you as needy, clingy, distant, unavailable, or hot-and-cold, and you've heard this feedback from multiple people.
You feel like you're performing in relationships rather than being yourself.
You recognize your parents' relationship patterns playing out in your own relationships even though you swore you'd do it differently.
But can attachment patterns actually change?
Yes. This is the most important thing to know.
Attachment styles aren't destiny. They were learned in relationship, and they can change in relationship. Research shows attachment patterns can shift, particularly through significant relationships that provide different experiences than what you had early on. Therapy is one of the most effective ways to do this, especially therapy that focuses on the relationship itself.
But change isn't quick. These patterns are deeply wired. They developed as survival strategies when you were young, and part of you still believes they're keeping you safe. Changing them requires more than understanding them intellectually. It requires new emotional experiences that challenge old expectations.
What happens in attachment-based therapy
Attachment-based therapy uses the therapeutic relationship as the primary tool for healing. The idea is that attachment wounds happen in relationship and heal in relationship.
Your therapist provides consistent attunement and responsiveness. Over time, this relationship offers a different experience than what you had with early caregivers. You learn through repeated experience that someone can be reliable, that your needs aren't burdensome, that vulnerability doesn't always lead to rejection, that conflict doesn't destroy connection.
This isn't your therapist becoming a substitute parent. It's about experiencing a professional relationship that's reliable and attuned, and gradually internalizing that experience in a way that shifts your expectations about relationships more broadly.
You also explore your attachment history. Not to blame your parents, but to understand the adaptive logic of your patterns. Why these strategies made sense given what you experienced. This creates compassion for yourself and clarity about what needs to change.
And you work with how your attachment patterns show up in the therapy relationship itself. If you're anxiously attached, you might worry constantly about whether your therapist likes you or is annoyed by you. If you're avoidantly attached, you might keep things intellectual and resist depending on your therapist. These patterns get examined and worked with directly.
One of the most powerful aspects is rupture and repair. When there's a misunderstanding or hurt feeling in the therapy relationship, you work through it together. For people with insecure attachment who rarely experienced repair in early relationships, these experiences of successfully reconnecting after disconnection are deeply healing.
Attachment-based therapy in Denver at Integration Psychotherapy LLC
Integration Psychotherapy LLC, founded by Erin McMahon, LCSW, specializes in attachment-based therapy for adults in Denver. The approach is relational and psychodynamically oriented, meaning the therapeutic relationship itself is the primary vehicle for healing.
Erin brings consistent presence and attunement to the work, creating a relationship where attachment patterns can emerge, be understood, and gradually shift through new relational experiences. The work explores your attachment history to understand where your patterns came from, and works with how those patterns show up now, both in the therapy relationship and in your current life.
While attachment theory provides the foundation, the approach integrates other modalities when helpful. EMDR can process specific attachment traumas. Internal Family Systems can help understand different parts of self that hold different attachment needs. Somatic approaches address how attachment lives in your body and nervous system.
The practice serves adults whose attachment patterns are creating suffering: chronic relationship difficulties, patterns of choosing unavailable partners, intense anxiety or avoidance in intimacy, difficulty trusting, feeling lonely even in relationships, or recognizing that early relationships are still affecting you in ways you'd like to change.
You don't need to be in a romantic relationship for this work to be valuable. Attachment patterns affect all relationships, and the therapeutic relationship itself provides the primary site for healing.
What actually changes when attachment patterns shift
It's not that you become perfectly secure or never feel anxious or avoidant again. It's more subtle and more profound than that.
You develop more flexibility. Your attachment system still activates, but you're not completely hijacked by it. You can notice "I'm feeling really anxious right now" and have some choice about how to respond rather than just reacting.
You build capacity to tolerate the feelings you've been avoiding. Anxiously attached people develop tolerance for uncertainty and aloneness. Avoidantly attached people develop tolerance for vulnerability and dependence. The feelings are still uncomfortable, but they're not unbearable.
Your internal working model shifts. At a gut level, not just intellectually, you start to believe you're worthy of love, that people can be trustworthy, that relationships can survive conflict and imperfection.
You make different choices. You're attracted to different people, or you respond differently to the same situations that used to trigger your patterns. You can choose relationships based on what's actually good for you rather than what feels familiar.
You experience more moments of genuine connection. Where you're actually present rather than anxious or defended. Where intimacy feels nourishing rather than threatening. Where you can be yourself rather than performing or managing.
Taking the First Step: Finding a Therapist You Trust
If you recognize your attachment patterns in this description and they're causing you pain, attachment-based therapy might help. Not by making you "perfectly secure" (no one is), but by giving you more choice, more flexibility, more capacity for the kind of relationships you actually want.
Integration Psychotherapy LLC offers free consultations for prospective clients. This conversation allows you to share what you're struggling with, ask questions about attachment-based therapy, and get a sense of whether the relationship feels like it could support your growth.
To learn more or schedule a consultation, visit integrationpsychotherapyllc.com.
Your attachment patterns aren't permanent. They developed in relationship, and they can heal in relationship. You don't have to keep repeating the same painful patterns. There's a way forward, and it starts with understanding where these patterns came from and experiencing a relationship that offers something different.
In the spirit of transparency and authenticity, this blog post was constructed with AI assistance for informational, educational, and marketing purposes. Erin does not use AI in her sessions or in her note-taking of sessions.
